Decisions
by Topsy
Summary: Carol lies to Doug....
1. Default Chapter

|-----oo-----| 

March 18th, 2002 

|-----oo-----| 

This fanfiction is dedicated to my dear friend Trig for helping me amazingly with this fic. She came up with a major part of the idea, so thanks Trig! 

Set during Season Five when D and C are trying to have a baby. No Ricky Abbott. Doug doesn't leave. 

|-----oo-----| 

Carol awoke from her sleep, unsure why she had waken. Probably just because my mind's not been able to settle down all night, Carol thought. She sighed and studied Doug's face in the darkness. They were lying about a foot apart from each other, facing each other, as they slept. She lifted her head off the pillow for a moment to glance at the clock. 2 AM it read. She lay her head back on the pillow and rolled onto her back. She had only slept for an hour. 

Lately she had been having trouble sleeping because she was unable to get pregnant. All she knew was that she needed to get to sleep. They both had to be up and working tomorrow. She knew that no matter how much she wished, people would recognize the dark circles under her eyes and wonder why she wasn't sleeping. Carol closed her eyes, trying to force herself to sleep. 

After a half hour, she gave up and opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling, hoping maybe her eyes would simply burn out and she could fall into sleep. She waited another half hour and it still didn't work. Slowly she eased out of bed, careful not to wake Doug, and headed down the hall to fix herself a warm glass of milk, hoping maybe that would help. She flicked on the light as she entered the kitchen and she reached into a cupboard and grabbed a glass. Then she moved to the refrigerator and opened it up to take out the milk gallon. She quickly poured her some and put it back. Then she walked to the microwave and placed the glass inside. She turned it on and leaned against the counter to wait. 

When she heard the noise behind her she turned to see Doug padding into the kitchen, scratching the back of his head and squinting against the light she had turned on. 

"What're you doin'?" He asked, his voice gruff with sleep. She smiled a bit, still not being able to believe they were sharing their lives together in this way. She never would have thought she could actually be happy with Doug. 

"I couldn't sleep, so I'm fixin' myself a glass of milk." She replied softly and studied the handsome lines of his face. He nodded and walked to her, caught her hand and pulled her into his arms. She snuggled against him even as the microwave beeped. He buried his sleepy face into her shoulder. 

"Come back to bed." He said and ran a hand over her back. 

"I should get my milk first." She replied. He nodded and released her. She got her milk out and took a sip, to test the heat. Satisfied, she took a bigger drink. 

"Does that stuff really do the trick?" He asked. She shook her head. 

"Not really, but I figure it can't hurt." She said. He smiled and took the glass from her. He placed it in the sink after dumping it out and walked back to her. 

"Why can't you sleep?" He asked as he took her hand and led her down the hall. She sighed and leaned into him. 

"I don't know." She replied, lying slightly. They both knew why she couldn't get to sleep. "My mind won't shut off." She said. He nodded as they walked into the bedroom. 

"Well...Let's see if I can exhaust you into sleep." He said and pulled her into his arms again. She laughed as he began to kiss her neck. She wrapped her arms around him and grinned. 

"Why don't we see." 

|-----oo-----| 

"Doug?" Carol asked the next morning as they ate a hurried breakfast in the kitchen. 

"Yeah?" He asked. 

"I have a doctor's appointment tonight." She said. He looked at her. This was news to him. 

"Why?" He asked. She sighed and placed her mug on the counter. 

"I got an appointment with my gynecologist to see what's wrong with me." She said. 

"Carol." Doug said. She held up a hand. 

"I know you said we should wait until at least the sixth month. But..I can't." Carol said, all of her worry and sorrow showing plainly in her eyes. He sighed and walked to her, taking her hands into his own. 

"What time is it?" He asked. She looked down for a moment. 

"At five. I get off at four." She said. He nodded. 

"I'll tell Kerry that I have to leave too and I'll go with you." He said. She smiled softly. 

"Thank you." She replied, relieved. He nodded and pulled her into his arms, hoping to comfort her. 

|-----oo-----| 

"Okay," Dr. MacLucas said as she entered the room where Doug and Carol were waiting. Carol was lying on the plastic bed as she had been instructed. Doug was sitting beside her, holding her hand. "What are you here for Carol?" Dr. MacLucas asked, knowing that it had only been three months since their last normal check-up. And normally men didn't come to just get a normal check-up. Carol sighed. 

"We're trying to have a baby." She said. 

"Oh. How long have you been trying?" MacLucas asked. 

"Between two and three months." Carol replied. 

"I told her we shouldn't worry for a few more months, but she wanted to come." Doug said. Dr. MacLucas nodded. 

"Well, I'm sure everything's fine. I just saw you three months ago and everything was good, but we'll check to see." She replied. Carol and Doug both nodded. They sat silently through the entire examination. Doug felt slightly awkward. Guys weren't supposed to be at the these type of...things, he thought. But Carol had wanted him here, so he was here. Plus he wanted to be here just in case MacLucas found anything, even though he doubted she would. Finally after a few moments, Dr. MacLucas sat back. She snapped off her latex gloves and threw them into the trashcan. She looked at Carol. 

"Everything checks out. Sometimes these things just take time." She said. Carol sighed and nodded. Doug felt relief spill through him despite the fact that he had figured this would be the outcome. "Now, as your gynecologist, I should know these things, but just in case, I'm going to ask anyway." Carol nodded, suddenly nervous. 

"Have you ever had a STD?" Dr. MacLucas asked. Carol shook her head. 

"No." She replied. 

"Have you ever had a miscarriage? Have you ever done drugs?" Carol shook her head twice more and replied negatively. "Have you ever had an abortion?" Carol's throat constricted and she froze. "Because sometimes these things do matter, although very rarely." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol swallowed and shook her head slowly and felt her palms begin to sweat. Dr. MacLucas sat back, clearly not noticing anything was amiss. 

"Alright then." She shrugged. "You'll just have to be patient. It takes time and don't give up hope." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol nodded, trying to get something out of her pasty mouth. 

"Thank you." Finally slipped through and she swallowed as if the words left a bad taste in her mouth. Dr. MacLucas nodded. 

"No problem. Make another appointment if you need to discuss something or have any more problems. But wait until you've been trying for at least six months before you start to really worry." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol nodded as the doctor left the room. 

"You okay?" Doug asked, having noticed Carol's pale face. She nodded. 

"Yeah. I uh, I'm fine." She replied and turned away from him, not wanting him to see her face. 

|-----oo-----| 

Later, when they finally reached the house, Doug couldn't stand it anymore. As soon as the front door was shut behind them, he turned to her. 

"What's the matter, Carol?" He asked. She looked at him and didn't reply. "Something's wrong. Talk to me." He said, urgently. She shrugged out of her coat and hung it up on the rack. She slid out of her shoes and headed to the kitchen. 

"I'm just...I was sort of hoping something was wrong so that I'd at least know why I couldn't conceive." She lied. Doug sighed. 

"Carol, MacLucas said it takes time. And patience. I know you want a baby now, but...sometimes these things don't work out as planned." He said. 

"I know that." She replied as she poured herself a glass of water for her parched mouth. He sighed. 

"Then why are you upset? Things will be okay." He said. She took a drink and then sighed. She placed the glass back onto the counter. 

"I've been lying. To you....To everyone." She said. 

"What?" He asked, shocked by this turn in conversation. "About what?" 

"Me." She replied. 

"What about you?" He asked. 

"I lied to Dr. MacLucas when she was asking me questions." Carol said. 

"What? About..About the STD's and drugs and miscarriages?" He asked. Carol swallowed and looked at Doug, wide-eyed. 

"Yeah." She whispered. 

"Did you every do drugs?" Doug asked, realizing he hadn't known her when she was younger. Carol shook her head. "You've had a miscarriage?" He whispered back. Tears filled Carol's eyes, so she shut them. She shook her head. 

"No." She whispered. He didn't believe she could ever have an abortion. She couldn't kill a child. 

"You've had an STD? You have one?" He asked, shock filling his voice, as he thought maybe she lied to him. She laughed a bit, tears still choking her up. 

"God no." She said. 

"Then what?" He asked. She sighed and opened her eyes to focus on him. 

"I had an abortion." She whispered. He simply stared at her, not believing any of this that she was telling him. He backed away from her for a moment. 

"You had an abortion." He whispered. She nodded, tears streaming down her face. "When?" He asked, still in shock. Her lip quivered but she met his gaze. 

"About six years ago." She replied quietly. He mentally counted in his head. 

"When you were dating Tag?" He asked. She nodded. 

"Yes, but..." She sobbed a bit and turned away from Doug to press herself against the counter. She covered her mouth with her hand and stood there for a moment, trying to gather herself together. Finally after a few moments she turned back to Doug. "It was then, but I wasn't pregnant with his baby." She replied. 

"I don't understand." Doug murmured, his voice hard and cool. She stared at him, realizing she was losing him. 

"It was right after Tag and I started dating. We had only been dating for about two months, but I had not been intimate with him." Carol said. 

"Then whose...whose, baby was it?" Doug asked, his voice hoarse as realization began setting in. He had made love to Carol a few months after she and Tag had started dating. It was the last time they had slept together since before they got back together. 

Carol looked at him, tears streaming down her face. 

"Doug.." She murmured. He stepped back and turned away from her. He rubbed his cheek with his hand as she confirmed what he had began to understand. 

"It was mine, wasn't it?" He asked and turned around to face her. She walked toward him but he stepped back, away from her. "Wasn't it?" He asked. Carol nodded slowly. 

"Yes." She whispered. Indescribable hurt settled all over him and it showed plainly on his face. 

"I can't believe you could kill our child." He said softly, coolly. She walked toward him once more but he maneuvered away. Hurt flashed across her face, but she knew that it wasn't even close to the hurt he felt. 

"Things were different then, Doug." Carol said. 

"I don't care." He said. "I don't care!" He yelled and turned away from her. He buried his face into both of his hands. "I can't believe you could kill a baby. Kill our baby." He stressed. 

"What was I supposed to do, Doug? You weren't around!" She yelled, tears still coming rapidly. "You didn't love me enough to even get close to me. I was dating someone else! How was I supposed to keep that child?" She asked him, sobbing. He turned on her. 

"What we had was special, even back then!" He screamed back, anger, hurt, sadness, and guilt all spewing from him. "So don't you turn what you did on me! I had nothing to do with what you did." 

"You had everything to do with it! Why do you think I did it? Why do you think I tried to kill myself?" Carol yelled. 

"Don't you turn that on me, ever again." Doug said softly, his voice icy. "I was an asshole. I was the biggest fucking jerk on the planet back then, but I did not drive you to do that to yourself or to our child." He said. "I may be the reason you did it, but it was not my fault." He said and walked towards the door. It had taken him years to come to that conclusion and he was not about to give that up because she decided to lay blame on him after all the shit they had been through. He picked up his coat and slid into it. "I can't see your face right now. I don't know if I'll be able to look at you the same ever again." He said and turned to slam out of the house. She watched him go and felt a huge, mass rush of emotions running through her. She couldn't breath. 

Carol collapsed onto the couch and began to sob her heart out. Nobody had ever hurt her so much in her life, except she knew that all of it was her own doing. She was such a horrible person. How would she ever live with herself, if not even Doug could live with her and forgive her? 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day Carol walked slowly into the ER. She had finally fallen asleep at five o'clock in the morning, only to have her alarm go off at six. She had dark circles under her eyes and she looked like shit. The make-up she had attempted to use hadn't worked and she didn't really care. All she wanted to do was get through the next couple of days without dying. 

As she hung her things up in her locker in the lounge, she wondered if Doug was there. She knew he was on at the same time as she was and wondered if he was there yet. She closed her locker for a moment and looked toward the coffee. She should probably have a cup, considering she hadn't slept all night, but ever since she had began trying to get pregnant, she had stopped drinking it, just in case. Even though now she thought it was probably a lost cause, she still didn't get a mug. Instead she walked out of the lounge. 

As she headed to the admit desk to find out if anything was going on, Mark turned to her and smiled. She nodded, not even bothering to smile in return. Knowing the state of her face, she knew nobody would believe things were okay, even if she acted her best. As Mark saw her face, his smile faded. 

"You okay, Carol?" He asked. She shook her head but didn't offer an explanation. 

"Is Doug here?" She asked. Mark gave her a surprised look. 

"Uh, no, he called in sick today. Didn't he tell you?" Mark asked. Carol forced a smile. 

"No, he didn't." She said and then picked up a chart to go find a patient to prep for a doctor. Mark watched her walk away, sudden worry filling him. What was wrong with Carol? Why didn't she know Doug had called in sick? Were they fighting? Dozens of questions ran through Mark's mind, but he merely let Carol walk away, thinking he'd ask her about it later. 

|-----oo-----| 

Later that afternoon Mark walked into the lounge to take a break. He found Carol lying on the couch, trying to sleep. 

"Carol." He said. She opened her eyes. 

"Hey." She murmured. 

"What're you doin'?" He asked. 

"Tryin' to catch some sleep." She said and sat up. "I know I shouldn't be sleeping at work, but I didn't get much sleep last night." 

"Yeah, I could tell." He said and forgot about his coffee. "Everything okay?" She shook her head. 

"Do you think everything's okay?" She asked. He shrugged and sat beside her. 

"Well, I could tell it isn't, but it's up to you if you want to tell me about it." He said. Carol buried her face into her hands and sighed. 

"I blew it." She said. 

"What?" He asked. 

"Everything. Doug. I.." She paused and turned to look at Mark. "I think he left me. For good." She said. 

"What? Why?" Mark asked, shocked. He knew how much Doug cared for Carol. 

"I told him something...That I should have told him a long time ago, but I...Well..He walked out on me and uh, said he didn't want to see my face, not now or for awhile." Carol said and tears filled her eyes. She merely stared down at the coffee table in front of her. 

"I'm sure he didn't mean it." Mark said. Carol smiled ironically. 

"Oh, I'm sure he did, Mark. I hurt him so bad, Mark. It's not even...I never forgave myself and I don't expect him to." Carol said. Mark was clueless but he knew he shouldn't pry. Carol looked at him, knowing he'd be lost in the dark. "I uh...Well...About six years ago, right after I started dating Tag, I slept with Doug." Carol said. Mark nodded, a bit shocked that Carol had cheated on Tag after all those times Doug had cheated on her, but he didn't say anything. "Well, soon after that I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't been intimate with Tag...Or with anyone but Doug since, well, since way before that." Carol paused and smiled sadly as a tear dripped down her cheek. "I couldn't handle everything...I couldn't deal with having a child. So.." Carol looked at Mark. "I had an abortion. I killed Doug's baby." She said. Mark didn't say anything, merely sat there and watched her in surprise. "And now, well, Doug and I are trying for a baby. Yesterday we went to the doctor to see if anything was wrong since we haven't conceived yet. She asked me if I'd ever had an abortion before and I said no. When I got home I told Doug that I had and he...uh, he said what he said and left." Carol said. She stood up and walked to the window, needing to move. 

"What I did to him was inexcusable. I should have told him back then that I was pregnant. I should have told him sooner about the abortion. But I didn't..I waited until he trusted me, until he loved me to tell him and I broke all those trusts and promises. I'm a horrible person, Mark." Carol said as tears made trails down her cheeks. Mark sighed and stood. 

"I think Doug will get over it." Mark said quietly. "It might take him a few days but I think he'll understand and come back to you. He loves you too much, Carol." Mark said. Carol shook her head. 

"No, Mark, he doesn't love me. Not anymore. How can you love someone when they killed your child?" She asked and turned to him. "I don't expect him to forgive me, or love me ever again. But how can...how can I live without him?" She asked and broke down into sobs. Mark walked to her and wrapped her in his arms. 

"I'll try and talk to him. See if I can knock some sense into him." Carol shook her head as she cried. 

"It doesn't matter...It..won't work." She said. 

"Well, I'll give it a try anyway." Mark said. 

|-----oo-----| 

Later that night as Carol got off work, she walked into the house, exhausted. She was going to go straight to bed and sleep, no matter what. She would make her mind shut off. As she headed into the kitchen, she suddenly froze. Things were out of place, in a disarray. She looked around, her heart thudding hard in her chest. Suddenly she spotted the note on the coffee table, weighed down but a stray glass. She walked slowly to the note, her hands shaking. She reached down and picked it up and unfolded the single crease to find Doug's writing staring back up at her. 

Carol 

I can't find it in myself to forgive you for what you did. I don't think I can bare to be near you for a long time and even then I'll know what you did. I really did love you, but it's hard to forgive someone, to live with someone when you find out that that person has killed your child. I moved all my things out, so you don't have to worry about them. I hope you have a nice life. 

Doug 

Carol simply stared down at the note for minutes, trying to process his words in her muddled brain. When realization finally set in, that he had left her, that he no longer loved her, that he hated her, she fell to the floor and began to sob, clutching the note to her chest. 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day Carol called off sick to work, knowing she would never be able to work on just one hour of sleep in the past forty-eight hours or so. Mark sighed as she called off, placing the phone back into the receiver. She didn't sound good, he thought. Maybe I should check on her later and he decided he would do that after he got off work. 

Just as he hung up the phone the emergency room doors swung open and Doug entered the hospital. Mark immediately went to him and took his arm. 

"We need to talk. On the roof." Mark said and dragged Doug toward the elevators. Doug sighed, already knowing what this was about, and he could barely believe that Carol had told Mark everything after it had taken her years to tell him. When they made it to the roof, Mark turned to Doug. 

"You're a bastard, you know that?" Mark asked. Doug sighed. 

"God damnit, Mark, this is none of your business!" Doug replied angrily. 

"You make it my business when you call off work sick and your girlfriend comes to work, sick over what you did." Mark said. 

"And don't you think it makes me sick knowing what she did? I couldn't stay with her after that! She killed my baby!" Doug said. 

"Under the circumstances, can you blame her? You were a jerk back then, Doug, what was she supposed to do?" Mark yelled back. 

"Killing my child shouldn't have been an option!" Doug said. Mark sighed. 

"You should talk to her." Mark said. Doug shook his head. 

"No. I moved my stuff out yesterday and I found myself an apartment." Doug said. 

"You did what?" Mark asked loudly. 

"It's over, Mark. I cannot stay with a woman who has lied to me all this time. Who killed my baby because she didn't know what to do about it." Doug said. Mark stepped away from him. 

"I can't believe I know you, Doug. You're making a huge mistake, here. You're going to make her sick. She already called off work today." Mark said. Doug shrugged. 

"I dealt with it, now it's her turn to deal with what she did." Doug said. Mark shook his head, amazed. 

"I can't believe how cold-hearted you are being." Mark said. 

"And you don't think it's cold-hearted that she murdered our child? Would you be so kind if Jen had killed Rachel?" Doug asked. 

"That's a different story." Mark said. 

"How?" Doug asked. 

"Because Jen and I weren't right for each other anyway. You love Carol. No matter how much you say you don't, you know that you do. You can't just blow her off, can't change your entire life, your entire future because of something stupid she did six years ago. If that was the case then she'd never have taken you back after what you did to her! But she did!" Mark exclaimed. 

"Yeah, well, I never murdered anyone." Doug said coldly and turned, leaving the roof. Mark watched him go, not believing a word that had just come from Doug's mouth. 

|-----oo-----| 

Later that night, after Mark's shift ended, he knocked on Carol's front door. Within moments she came to the door, wrapped in a blanket. 

"Oh, hey Mark." She said as she opened the door. He smiled, knowing she had been expecting someone else, someone by the name of Doug. "C'mon in." He walked into the house and followed her into the living room. She sat on the couch, in front of the TV where she had been when he knocked. "I was just watching a little bit of some talk shows." She said and motioned toward the television. He nodded. 

"How are you?" He asked. She smiled. 

"Not so good." She replied. 

"Sleep any?" He asked. She nodded. 

"Actually I did. Only because my eyes wouldn't stay open a second longer." She replied. Mark nodded. "But I only slept for a few hours. I've been here ever since." She said, meaning the couch. 

"Can't blame you." He said. Carol nodded and looked at him. 

"Was he there?" She asked. Mark nodded. 

"Yeah, I talked to him this morning." Mark said. Carol looked at him, the look on her face clearing stating 'and?' "Well, uh, he was pretty upset. He got pissed at me." Mark said. Carol nodded. 

"Did he say where he is staying?" She asked. Mark shook his head. 

"No, but he did say that he found himself a new apartment." Mark said softly. Carol hung her head. 

"He doesn't love me anymore." She whispered. Mark shook his head adamantly. 

"Yes, he does. He just needs to work through his feelings over this." Carol shook her head. 

"No, he told me he doesn't love me." She said and reached over to get the crumpled piece of paper which Doug had written her note on. She handed it to Mark for him to read. He read it and then sighed. 

"Carol, he just needs time." She shook her head. 

"I blew it. I ruined things. I'll just have to accept that and move on." Carol said. 

"And ruin your entire future for it?" 

"It's not my choice. If I could, I'd take everything back. I'd make him love me still, but I can't do that, Mark. I don't have those powers." She said. 

"You should talk to him." Mark suggested. Carol smiled slightly. 

"From the looks of things, he isn't going to come near me for awhile." She said sadly. 

"Make him talk to you." Mark said. 

"Yeah, that'll make him much happier." Carol said. Mark sighed. 

"Carol, he's the one." Carol smiled. 

"I know, but how many people truly find that person and live happily ever after?" She asked. "Very few." 

"But you could be one of them. Should be one of them! The hardest part is finding that person, and you did. Now you have to find a way to keep him." 

"How? I'm open to suggestions within reason." Carol said. Mark sighed. 

"Just talk to him." Mark said. 

"I wish I could, but he won't let me. I know it, Mark, I know him." Carol said. Mark nodded. 

"Just try." He said and stood. "You'll be okay, right?" He asked. Carol nodded. 

"Yeah, I'll see you at work tomorrow." She said and stood. He nodded. 

"Don't forget what I said." 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day Carol went to work, keeping Mark's thoughts in mind. She knew she had to talk to Doug sometime, but she didn't figure it would be today. There was no way he would talk to her now, or for awhile. And she knew that because she knew him. She had broken his trust and hurt him when he had put faith in her. And she had lied. 

Carol didn't see Doug around, so she went to the admit desk, figuring he wasn't there yet. She smiled at the nurses and picked up a chart, just as Mark returned to the desk. 

"Hey." She said. He smiled sadly. 

"You just get here?" Mark asked. Carol nodded. 

"Yeah, few minutes ago. Is he here?" Carol asked, just to be sure. Mark nodded. 

"Yeah, he is." 

"Oh." Carol said in surprise. 

"He's working on a kid with a broken arm right now." Mark said. Carol nodded. "You should talk to him." 

"I will. Just not now..Not when he has a patient." Carol said. Mark sighed. 

"Fine." He said and walked off. 

|-----oo-----| 

It was a little more than an hour before Carol finally saw Doug. He was in the pedes room, talking to a mother of a boy who was sitting in a wheelchair. Doug glanced Carol's way just as she walked by, but as soon as his eyes met hers he looked away and continued talking as if he had never seen her. Carol paused outside but she continued walking to tend to her own patient. 

Five minutes later Carol headed back to the pedes room to tell Doug that a trauma had arrived. Just as she got there he was showing the mother out of the room as she pushed the wheelchair. Doug ignored Carol. Once they mother and son had left, Doug headed back into the pedes room. Carol followed. 

"Doug." She said. He ignored her still. "We have a trauma coming in. MVA. There's a kid." She said. He nodded. 

"ETA?" He asked. 

"Four minutes." Carol replied. 

"I'll be out." He said, fully intending for her to leave. She didn't. 

"Doug, we need to talk." She said. 

"About what?" He asked. 

"I think you know." Carol said. 

"There's nothing to discuss." Doug said. 

"Yes, there is." Doug turned to her, finally looking at her. 

"No, there isn't. Is that clear?" Doug asked, meeting her gaze for a few short seconds, then he stormed out of the room. Carol's shoulders slumped in defeat and she waited, need a moment to recover from his iciness. 

|-----oo-----| 

"I tried talking to him." Carol said softly, later that afternoon as she and Mark sat in the lounge. He looked at her in surprise, thinking she wouldn't have done it this soon. 

"What happened?" Mark asked. 

"It was before the MVA with the little boy and we were alone in the pedes room. I said we needed to talk and he said there was nothing to discuss and he left." Carol replied. 

"You need to try again. Maybe wait a few days." Mark said. Carol sighed. 

"I know. I will." She replied. 

|-----oo-----| 

The next morning Carol came into work, intending to entirely avoid Doug all day to let him have some space. Her plans were upset as she walked into the lounge to hang up her things and he was inside, drinking coffee. She walked silently to her locker before she turned to him, deciding now was a good time, considering they were alone. 

"Doug, we need to talk." 

"I told you yesterday there's nothing to talk about." Doug said. 

"Yes, there is. You know there is." Carol said. 

"What would you like to talk about? Huh? How you killed our baby and you never told me?" Doug asked, his voice quiet and angry. "Well, I don't wanna hear it!" Doug yelled and stormed out of the lounge. Carol took a moment to recover before she walked out herself, only to find everyone staring at her, apparently having heard Doug scream at her. Carol averted her gaze and walked down the hall to escape. 

"You okay?" Carol heard as she walked. She stopped and turned to see Mark staring at her. 

"You heard?" She asked. He nodded. 

"Yeah. Everybody did." He said. Carol hung her head. 

"I tried." She said. 

"Give it some time. He's apparently not ready to discuss it yet." Mark said. Carol snorted. 

"No kidding." She said and walked away. Mark watched her go, more sadness filling him for his two friends. 

|-----oo-----| 

A week later things still hadn't changed between Doug and Carol. He was still ignoring her and only talked to her when it had something to do with a patient. And he usually tried to have a different nurse in the room with him during his pedes cases. 

Carol, Doug, Mark, and some others were working on a little girl who had fallen off the swings at school and hit her head. She was barely conscious and hardly aware of what was going on around her. 

Doug was rattling off things he needed as Carol raced around to get them. Earlier that day Carol had been feeling somewhat nauseous and dizzy and now the constant movement was triggering worse feelings. Carol handed Doug the last thing he had asked for, before she bent at the waist and placed her hands on her knees. 

"You okay, Carol?" Mark asked, suddenly noticing the pale color of her face. She shook her head. 

"I'm going to be sick." She said and staggered back a bit. 

"Get her a basin." Mark ordered quickly as Doug glanced over his shoulder hurriedly, before turning back to the patient as if he didn't care. Immediately Haleh found a basin and passed it to Carol. She vomited into it. When she was finished she leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, holding the basin below her as she leaned forward. 

"Carol.." Haleh said as she leaned over her. Carol held up a hand. 

"Just give me a minute." She said. 

"Are you going to be sick again?" Haleh asked. Carol shook her head and handed the basin to Haleh when she reached for it. Haleh washed the basin out and set it aside before bending back down to Carol. "You okay?" Carol shook her head. 

"Can you help me out of here?" She asked. Haleh nodded and helped Carol to her feet. Carol groaned and stopped as her head rolled and her stomach pitched. "Oh man." She said. 

"Are you going to be sick again?" Haleh asked, leaning Carol toward the sink. Carol swallowed and shook her sweating head. 

"No, just get me out of here." Carol said. Haleh helped Carol out of the room. Mark watched them go before looking at Doug to judge his reaction. Doug clenched his jaw once and continued working as if nothing had happened. Mark rolled his eyes and worried about Carol for Doug. 

|-----oo-----| 

Carol lie in the lounge after her episode in the trauma. After Mark was finished he came into the lounge to check on her. 

"How you doin'?" He asked. She smiled a bit. 

"I'm better now. I must be coming down with something." She said. Mark nodded. 

"You need to go home." He said. Carol shook her head. 

"I'll be fine." She said. He shook his head. 

"No, don't argue with me. You're going home. I'll take you." 

"Is your shift over?" She asked. He nodded. 

"Yes, actually an hour ago. But I was here getting caught up on paperwork when they came in." He said. She sighed. 

"Fine." She replied and rolled her eyes. 

"Good." Mark said with a smile. 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day when Carol arrived at work at 11 AM, Mark immediately went to her. 

"What are you doing here? Do you feel better?" He asked. She nodded. 

"I'm fine, Mark. I could have stayed last night. I was fine as soon as I stepped inside." 

"Are you sure? You can take off if you need to." Mark said. Carol rolled her eyes. 

"I said I'm fine." She replied. He sighed. 

"If you say so. But if you get sick once today, I'm sending you home." He said. 

"Fine." She answered and walked away. 

|-----oo-----| 

Less than an hour later, Carol stood at the admit desk, working on a chart. Mark walked up behind her just as she paused and raised a hand to her forehead as she became dizzy. 

"Oh shit." Carol muttered and groped around for the chair. She sank into it and leaned forward, trying to get her head between her knees. Mark sighed. 

"Carol." He said and walked closer to her. 

"Go away, Mark. I don't want to go home." She said. He sighed. 

"Well that's exactly where you are going." He replied. 

"You can't take me. You're working." She said. He nodded. 

"Oh yes I can. I have a lunch break, you know." She sighed. 

"I hate you." He chuckled and helped her from the chair. 

"I don't care. You're sick and you're not coming to work tomorrow." 

"Fine." 

"You've been saying that to me a lot lately." Mark said and chuckled as he led Carol into the lounge. A few moments later Doug walked up to the admit desk just as Carol and Mark walked out of the lounge and out the doors. Doug watched them. 

"Where are they going?" He asked aloud, not thinking anyone was listening. 

"Carol's sick. Mark's taking her home." Haleh said, giving Doug a dirty look. He merely walked away, too exhausted to come up with a comeback. And despite the fact that he didn't want to be, he was worried about Carol and that pissed him off. 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day Carol didn't come to work as Mark directed. Partly because she was still nauseous and dizzy half the time and partly because she was hurt by the way Doug was still treating her and she felt the need to get away from it all and just sleep. 

Carol awoke at five in the afternoon from her second nap that day and sighed as she got up to relieve her bladder. As she headed into the bathroom it dawned on her that she was supposed to have started her period the day before. She swallowed as she sat on the toilet, half expecting for her period to have started, but it hadn't. 

Carol didn't want to get her hopes up, but it explained why she had been sick. Besides, now she had Doug's feelings to worry about. Would he even want her child anymore? Probably not, she thought as she washed her hands. So it was best not to get her hopes up. 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day Carol went to work. She hadn't had a dizzy spell yet that day nor had she felt nauseous. 

"How are you feeling?" Haleh asked as Carol walked into the lounge that morning. Carol smiled slightly and hung her jacket up into her locker. 

"Much better. I think I just had a touch of the flu." Carol lied. She had a feeling she was pregnant. She showed all the signs and she knew herself well enough to know that she hadn't been two days late for her period in years. She was as regular as clockwork, she thought and immediately thought of Doug when they had had the first pregnancy scare. 

"That's good." Haleh said and took a sip of her coffee. Carol stared at it enviously for a moment but was glad she had kept her promise to herself not to drink any, because now she thought she was pregnant. The last thing she wanted to do was harm her child. Mark walked into the lounge and smiled at Carol. 

"Hey there, how ya feeling?" He asked. She smiled slightly. 

"I'm good and now I'm going to go write it on the board out there so everyone knows I'm a-okay." She said. Mark chuckled as he poured himself some coffee. Carol sighed. Did they all have to tempt her with that? Too bad they didn't have any de-caffienated at work, she thought. "I'm going to get some work." Carol said and headed out, needing to get away from all the coffee. 

|-----oo-----| 

"So, I take it Doug's not working today, huh?" Carol asked Mark quietly as they cleaned up a trauma room in the slow ER. He shook his head. 

"No, he has today off." Mark said. Carol nodded. "Have you tried talking to him in the past few days?" Mark asked. Carol shook her head. 

"No, he's still not ready to listen." She said. Mark shrugged. 

"Maybe he is." Carol smiled. 

"That's what you said last time and look how that turned out." She said. 

"All I'm saying is that you should give it another try. If you don't try you'll never know if he will listen." Mark said. 

"I'm going to give it some more time." Carol said as she bent down to pick up a discarded glove. 

"If you think that's best." Mark said. Carol smiled and looked at him. 

"You're like a brother to me, Mark, and I respect your opinions, I just..He needs more time." Carol said. Mark smiled slightly back. 

"I know, I shouldn't run my mouth so much." Mark said. Carol smiled. 

"I don't mind, really, it's helpful." Mark snorted. 

"Well....That's based on opinion." He said. Carol giggled. 

"Yeah, I suppose it is." 

|-----oo-----| 

Later that night Carol sat at home, alone on the couch. She had her face buried in her hands as sobs ripped from her mouth. She tried to supress them, but all of the emotions were building up inside of her and she couldn't hold them in. Her entire body ached, wishing Doug was with her again. She missed him so much. And now the joy she felt for being pregnant, which she was almost positive she was, she couldn't share with Doug because he wasn't there, and he wouldn't talk to her. 

How was she going to survive without him? 

|-----oo-----| 

The next morning Carol had the day off so she went to the drugstore to by herself a pregnancy test. As soon as she got home, she took it. As the little test read positive, Carol sat on the edge of the bathtub and simply stared down at the small contraption. How was she ever going to tell Doug? Or anyone else for that matter? 

Carol decided then and there to not tell anyone for awhile. She wouldn't start growing for awhile and so she would have time to think and gather her courage. 

Carol stood and placed the test on the counter before walking into her bedroom. She picked up the telephone and called the number to Dr. MacLucas' office to make an appointment. 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day, Carol walked into work, determined to talk to Doug once more. What he said would determine whether she told him she was pregnant or not. She hung her things up in the locker room before she went searching for Doug. Instead she found Mark. 

"Oh, hey, Carol, how long have you been here?" Mark asked. 

"About ten minutes. Have you seen Doug? I'm going to try and talk to him again." Carol said. 

"Last I knew he was on the roof. He had an overnight shift, so he's been here awhile." Carol nodded. 

"Well, I'm not on for ten more minutes, so I'm going to go up to talk to him." Carol said. Mark nodded. 

"Okay." He replied. Carol headed to the elevator and went up to the roof. She found Doug standing there, holding a stryofoam cup full of coffee in his hand. Once more she got the craving but fought it back. 

"Hey." Carol said. He turned, the look on his face unpleasant as he saw it was her. He turned back around and missed the flash of pain that flew across her face. "We need to talk." 

"Carol," Doug said, his voice weary, "Why can't you just let it go? Why do you have to make this harder than it is?" 

"I'm trying to make it better, Doug." Carol argued. He sighed and turned to her. 

"I don't want to talk about it. It's over, we're over, Carol." Doug said. Carol sighed and bent her head. 

"Fine. I understand that." She said. 

"Good, then what is there to talk about?" He asked. 

"You're still upset with me. We could at least talk about it." 

"What is there to say? I know why you did it. You know why I'm upset. Why can't we just stop bullshiting?" He asked. 

"Because!" Carol said. 

"Because why?" He asked. 

"Because what we had was important! We should at least try to talk it through." 

"But it's over, Carol. We've exhausted this. Over and over and over. I don't know what else to say to you. You killed my child. I don't want to have anything to do with you." He said. She bent her head and felt like weeping at his feet and begging him. But she knew she would have to take his words and use them to make her stronger. He clearly wanted nothing to do with her, he had just said so. He just re-confirmed her plans not to tell him about her pregnancy. Carol closed her eyes for a moment before opening them up, not caring if she let all the pain she felt show to him. She just didn't care anymore. She was too exhausted to hide from him. 

"If that's the way you feel." She said and met his gaze for a few moments. Then she turned and walked off the roof. He sighed and crumpled his now empty cup in his hand and turned to stare out at his city. 

|-----oo-----| 


	2. Decisions Part Two

|-----oo-----| 

March 26th, 2002 

|-----oo-----| 

Days and weeks passed. Carol wasn't sleeping well because she was worried about what to do. Plus her appetite was minimal because of the baby. Instead of gaining weight like she thought she should be, she was losing some. She hadn't been sick anymore but she could still tell she was pregnant. She was more tired, if that was possible, and she didn't eat much. The main nutrition the baby was getting was from her prenatal vitamins. Carol had to force feed herself because she knew the baby needed it. Yet she still didn't eat as much as before. 

But she had checked her pregnancy book and it had said that that was normal in some pregnancies to lose your appetite. As long as it didn't last a long time it would be okay in the long run. If she continued losing weight, though, she was supposed to consult her doctor. 

Speaking of her doctor, MacLucas and anyone else at her practice were the only people who knew about her pregnancy besides Carol. At six weeks pregnant she had told no one else. Not Doug, her mother, her sisters, or anyone else at work, including Mark. 

|-----oo-----| 

6 weeks later, Carol stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom, studying her stomach through her shirt. She was growing rather rapidly now. She had started eating and was putting on weight. Luckily it was easy to hide her pregnancy so far behind the pink scrubs. She still hadn't told anyone. Keeping this secret was exhausting her, but she had no idea what to do. She knew she should tell someone, but she didn't know how. After all this time she had no clue how to tell anyone anymore. 

Carol finally stepped away from the mirror and headed back into the living room to continue getting dressed. She had an OB appointment before she was supposed to be at work. 

|-----oo-----| 

Carol lie on the bed, alone, wishing desperately that Doug was there with her. She missed him so much and she needed him to be there with her as she went through this. She was terrified of being a mother. She wanted to be one, but she was scared and needed his support and love. When Carol had went to MacLucas the first time after she found out she was pregnant, the doctor wanted to know where Doug was. Carol ended up telling Dr. MacLucas everything, about the abortion and the break-up. Dr. MacLucas had tried to advice Carol on what to do about telling Doug, but Carol still wasn't sure. 

As MacLucas came into the exam room, she half expected Doug to be there, hoping that the couple would have made up by now. But he wasn't, so she let out a small sigh but smiled brightly for Carol's benefit. 

"How are you doing?" She asked. Carol smiled a bit. 

"I'm okay." She said. 

"Anything major been happening?" MacLucas asked. Carol shook her head. 

"Nothing out of the ordinary. I've been gaining a lot of weight lately, though." She said. 

"Hmm, how much?" MacLucas asked. 

"Well, I got back to my original weight, which was three pounds back up, but then I gained 10 more." Carol said. 

"Already?" MacLucas asked. Carol nodded. 

"Yeah, I know." Carol said, knowing that was quite an amount to gain in six weeks this early in the pregnancy. 

"Hm, well, it's probably nothing." MacLucas said. 

"Yeah, I figure it's just my diet. I've been eating like a hog." Carol said. MacLucas chuckled. 

"That'll happen." She said. "So, are you ready to have your first ultrasound? You get to see the baby." MacLucas said with a wide grin. Carol smiled. 

"I'm very ready, I was hoping we got to do this this time." Carol said. MacLucas nodded. 

"Yeah, well, you're ready." She said and immediately began hooking Carol up to the machine. Finally she turned it on. "Here we go." MacLucas said and placed the paddle onto Carol's belly. Carol's eyes were riveted on the screen, not wanting to miss this first precious glance at her baby. As the picture came up, Carol smiled despite the fact that she couldn't make much out on the screen except for some blobs. As the heartbeat filled the room, Carol's own heart skipped a beat. 

"What is that? It's not beating right!" She said, beginning to panic. 

"Wait, Carol, stay calm.Let me listen." MacLucas said quietly and stared at the screen as she slid the paddle over an inch. Then a smile bloomed on her face. "Would you look at that." 

"What? What is it?" Carol asked. MacLucas turned to her and chuckled. 

"The heartbeat sounds funny because there is more than one." She said. 

"I..What? More than one!?" Carol asked. MacLucas chuckled. 

"Yeah, you're having twins." She said and pointed towards the two tiny heads on the screen. Carol could now make them out. 

"Twins?" Carol squeaked. She laughed. 

"Two." MacLucas replied. Carol turned back to the screen and stared at it. 

"Oh, wow." She said. No wonder she had gained so much weight in a short amount of time. Then it sank in a bit. Two babies, at once. She'd have to tell Doug sometime soon. If she was growing this rapidly she would have even less time to hide it. "I wish Doug was here." She murmured, not realizing she had said it aloud as she stared at the screen. Dr. MacLucas looked at Carol sadly. 

"Well, let me get you a picture to take to him when you are ready to tell him." MacLucas said. Carol nodded, still in awe at her children on the screen. Not just one, two. 

"Wow." She repeated. MacLucas grinned a bit and cleaned Carol up. 

|-----oo-----| 

Two days later Carol sat in the lounge, her head in her hands. She knew she had to tell Doug today and the pressure and the stress of it all was giving her a headache. She wished she could runaway somewhere, to get away from the hell she was living in. But she knew the dreams were merely childish. She couldn't leave when things got rough, as much as she wished it. 

As she sat there, trying to runaway in her mind, Mark pushed his way into the lounge. He saw her with her head in her hands and became concerned. 

"You okay?" He asked. She looked up at him and shook her head. 

"No." She finally admitted. He went to her and sat down beside her. 

"What is it?" He asked. Carol sighed, needing to tell someone. 

"I'm pregnant." She said simply as she waited for Mark's reaction. 

"What? Is it..." 

"It's Doug's." Carol said. 

"Does he know?" Mark asked. Carol shook her head. 

"I still haven't told him. You are the only one who knows besides my doctor. It's been twelve weeks and I haven't told Doug." Carol said. "And you know what the funny thing is?" Mark shook his head. "I'm having twins." 

"What?!" Mark exclaimed. Carol chuckled. 

"That was the same reaction I had." She said. 

"Wow." Mark replied. Carol smiled. "Why aren't you showing?" 

"Oh, I am. I've gained ten pounds." She said. She leaned back and pulled her pink scrubs apart. Then she spread her black t-shirt down flat and Mark could make out a little round hump. He smiled slightly. 

"Well, congratulations." He said. Carol smiled. 

"Thanks. I only wish I was sharing it with Doug." 

"Well how can you share it with him if you don't tell him?" Mark asked. Carol smiled sadly. 

"That's a good question. I decided I was going to tell him today. We both get off at six, so I was going to ask him to meet me at Doc Magoo's. Hopefully he'll agree to it." Carol said. 

"I'm sure he will if he knows how important it is." Carol nodded. 

"Yeah, well.....We'll see how he takes it." 

|-----oo-----| 

Two hours later Carol knocked softly on the door of the pedes room. Doug was sitting on a stool and using a gurney for a desk as he caught up on some charts. He looked up at her. 

"Yeah?" He asked, thinking she was there about a patient. She walked into the room instead. 

"We need to talk." Carol said. 

"Okay." Doug laid the pen down and sighed, making it clear that he was not enjoying this. She wanted to scream at him for being so immature and so stupid. 

"Actually I was hoping we could meet after work. We both get off at six and I need to talk to you about something really important." 

"Carol.." 

"Doug, would I be asking you this now unless it was truly important?" Carol asked. Doug sighed. "I just want to meet at Doc Magoo's as soon as our shifts are over. I'm not going to keep you there for very long. I just have things to tell you." 

"Okay. I'll meet you there as soon as I'm off." Doug said. Carol nodded. 

"Thank you." She said and turned and left the room. Doug watched her go before forcing himself to pick up the pen and get back to work. 

|-----oo-----| 

Later that night Carol and Doug sat in a booth in the back corner of Doc Magoo's. A waitress came over and took their orders. A water for Carol and coffee for Doug. 

"I have something really important that I need to talk to you about." She said. 

"Obviously." Doug replied. Carol looked down, trying to keep her cool. He was acting like a jerk. She tried to remind herself that she deserved it, but at the present moment she just wanted to slap him. Finally she met his gaze once more. 

"You're not going to take this news well, so I just want to warn you ahead of time that you are in a public place." She said a bit sarcastically. 

"What is it, Carol?" Doug asked impatiently, but inside his heart was pounding. 

"I'm pregnant." She said and at the exact moment decided to leave out the part about the twins until later. When she knew how he would react to this first. 

"What?" He asked, all the color draining from his face. "It's mine?" 

"I've not been intimate with anyone but you since Shep and I broke up." She replied, answering his question off-handedly. Doug rubbed his hands over his face, in shock. 

"That's....twelve weeks." Doug said quickly after calculating in his head. 

"I know." Carol replied. 

"You should be showing." He said and his eyes immediately dropped lower, although he couldn't seen anything below her breasts because the table was blocking his view. Then he met her gaze once more. 

"I am." She replied softly. He simply stared at her, still unbelieving. Finally he got his head gathered a bit. 

"Why didn't you tell me before?" He asked, getting a little angry. 

"You barely let me meet you here. I can just imagine your reaction two and a half months ago." She said. 

"You've known that long?" He asked. 

"Why do you think I was sick?" She asked. He sat back, remembering now how she had gotten sick during the trauma and had missed a few days of work after that. 

"You still should have told me." He said after a moment. She nodded. 

"Probably. But I only thought of myself and how your reaction would affect me." Carol admitted. "But that's beside the point, it's all over with. You know now. Now it's up to you to decide what to do about it." She said. Doug rubbed his hands over his cheeks again before taking a sip of his coffee that he hadn't even noticed had been set on the table moments before. 

"I need to think about this." Doug said. Carol nodded. 

"I understand." She said in agreeance. 

"Do you have to work tomorrow?" He asked. She shook her head no. "Me neither. I'll think this through tonight and call you tomorrow, okay?" Doug asked. Carol nodded. 

"That's fine." She replied. He nodded. 

"I need to get out of here." He said. He quickly pulled some dollars out of his pocket and then stood, leaving the tiny restaurant. Carol watched him go, her heart aching for him, their children, herself. Life was so complicated. 

|-----oo-----| 

The next day Doug knocked quietly on Carol's front door. She walked to it, dressed in sweat pants and a big t-shirt, totally unprepared for his visit. She thought he was going to call. She opened the door a fraction and then when she saw him, opened it wider. 

"Oh, uh, come in." She said and opened the door wider. He looked at her outfit, from her bare feet all the way up to her messy ponytail, and thought she had never looked sexier. 

"Uh, sorry I didn't call, but I was out and so I thought I'd drop by instead." He said as she closed the door behind him. She nodded. 

"That's fine. Do you want some coffee or something?" She asked. He almost agreed but then remembered she'd have to make it specially for him because she probably wasn't drinking it. He shook his head. 

"No, I'm fine." He said. She nodded and walked slowly to the couch to take a seat. He watched her, hoping to catch a glimpse of the belly she claimed was growing, but her over-sized t-shirt hid everything he wanted to see. He followed her to the couch and sat beside her. 

"So, did you think about it?" She asked, a bit nervous. He nodded and looked away from her. 

"Yeah, I thought about it all night really." He paused. "And I've come to the conclusion that the best situation is for me to get joint custody of the baby after it's born." Doug said. Carol dropped her head, extremely hurt. She had wished with all her might that he wouldn't say that. When she didn't reply, Doug barreled on. "I could get custody on the weekends and you can have the weekdays. Plus, I'd want to be present for the birth." He said. He noticed she had her arms wrapped around her stomach, as if protecting the baby. She turned back to him. 

"You really think that's the best thing for our child?" She asked, catching herself before she said children. She wasn't ready to tell him that yet. He nodded. 

"Yes." 

"Did you even think about it at all, Doug?" She asked, anger rising. "What about when I want to breastfeed? I can't pump for an entire weekend." Carol said, knowing she'd never be able to pump enough milk for twins. "And I am going to breastfeed." She said, and knew even he was aware of all the benefits. He stayed silent as she rambled on. "I can't believe you think that is what would be best! What about when we work? On the weekdays when I was working it'd have to have a babysitter, then on the weekends when you worked it'd have to have a different babysitter. Do you know how unstable that is? That's even more unstable than our own childhood's." Carol said angrily. "And look how we turned out!" Thinking of all the stupid things they had done in their pasts, and to each other. 

"Well what else can we do?" Doug asked. Carol jumped up from the couch. 

"I think that's obvious, Doug! Why can't you just get over what I did?" She asked. "I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. But I can't take it back! I can't bring our other child back, no matter how much I wish I could!" She exclaimed. 

"You hurt me!" He exclaimed and his statement made tears come to her eyes. "You could have told me after you did it! You could have told me when we became friends again! You could have told me when we started dating again! When we got engaged! Or when we started trying for another child! But no, you waited even longer. Until I loved you, until I placed all my trust in you, and then you told me. Then you hurt me." He said. She wiped at her tears. 

"And I'm sorry! I don't know what else there is to say, Doug. But after all the shit we've went through, I wish you could get over it! I never meant to hurt you." She said. 

"But you did." He said, his voice steely. 

"I'm sorry." Carol said. "I'm so sorry. But there's nothi--ah." Carol said and clutched her stomach with her hands. Her face became animated with pain and she lowered herself into the nearest chair just as Doug jumped up from the couch. 

"Carol?" He asked and went to her, bending in front of her, placing his hands on her wrists. "Is it the baby?" He asked. She nodded. 

"Yes." She grimaced. 

"We're going to the hospital." He said and scooped her up with ease into his arms. She kept her hands on her stomach, frightened about losing her babies. She couldn't lose them, not after what she had done. He went quickly to the care, carelessly shutting her front door behind them. He placed her into the passenger seat and buckled her in before speeding toward the hospital. 

|-----oo-----| 

"Get Mark, Doug." Carol said as Doug carried her into the hospital. She buried her face against his neck, wishing he hadn't taken her here after all this. People didn't know yet. Plus she was a mess. 

"Randi, where's Mark?" Doug asked. 

"Exam one." Randi replied, staring at Carol. Doug nodded and went quickly to the exam room. Just as he arrived, Mark stepped out of the room. 

"Doug?" He asked, confused. 

"Can you get us a room?" Doug said, his eyes conveying everything. Mark nodded. 

"Exam three." He replied. Doug went quickly, still carrying Carol. Finally he lay her on the empty gurney. 

"Get Coburn." Doug said. Mark nodded and went quickly to the phone. After he called he quickly came back. 

"What happened?" He asked. 

"I just got this really bad pain in my stomach." Carol said. Mark nodded. 

"I told Coburn to bring an ultrasound and told her that you were here." Doug and Carol nodded. What Doug didn't realize was that he was holding Carol's hand and she wasn't about ready to let go. She was scared out of her mind and needed him there. 

Less than two minutes later, Coburn arrived, pushing an ultrasound machine. 

"What happened?" She asked. 

"I got a pain in my stomach, like a really bad cramp, all of a sudden." Carol said. 

"You're pregnant?" Coburn asked. Carol nodded. 

"Almost 13 weeks." She replied. Coburn nodded and began to prime Carol for the ultrasound. For the first time Doug got to see Carol's starting-to-grow belly and it amazed him how softly round she had become. Then Dr. Coburn placed the paddle on Carol's stomach and turned the machine on. As the heartbeats filled the air, Carol suddenly realized that Doug was about to learn she was having twins. 

"Everything looks and sounds good." Coburn said and turned to Carol. 

"You do realize..." She trailed off. Carol nodded. 

"What?" Doug asked as he looked at the screen. And then he saw it. The other head. And he heard it. The other heartbeat. "Holy shit." He whispered. Mark looked at Carol, surprised that she hadn't told Doug about the twins yet. Finally after staring at the screen for a moment, Doug looked at Carol. 

"You knew?" He asked. Carol nodded. "How long?" 

"Two days." Carol replied quietly. He nodded before looking back at the screen in awe and shock and amazement. Emotions were spiraling throughout him and he couldn't even name half of them. 

"Everything looks good. Are you experiencing pain now?" Coburn asked. Carol nodded. 

"Only a little. It's like a dull cramp, but it's fading." She said. Coburn nodded. 

"Good. Do you have any idea what could have brought this on?" She asked. Carol glanced at Doug and he turned to look back at her. Then she nodded. 

"We were arguing." She said. Coburn nodded. 

"I'd say that you were just stressed out and the babies were getting upset with you and decided to let you know it." Coburn said. "But if you get these pains anymore, I don't want you to hesitate to come back. This means now or later on in your pregnancy." Carol nodded seriously. "Good. And please, try and refrain from arguing and stress." Carol sighed, knowing that with Mark hearing that, he'd probably never let her work for the rest of her pregnancy, let alone what Doug would do. Then Carol remembered that Doug probably wouldn't do much of anything because he no longer cared about her. 

"You probably shouldn't stay alone tonight." Coburn advised. 

"I'll be with her." Doug said. Coburn nodded, satisfied. 

"Just don't fight with her." Coburn warned. Doug nodded, already feeling guilty. 

"I'll keep her stress-free." Doug replied. 

"Good." Coburn said. 

|-----oo-----| 

The entire ride back to Carol's house, they were silent. Carol stared out the passenger side window and kept both of her hands resting on her stomach. So many emotions were swirling inside of her, she thought if she couldn't be alone soon she would simply burst. Doug's presence was not helping and she was trying desperately not to get stressed out again, but all the feelings were making her head ache. She needed to get away from him, but she knew she couldn't, wouldn't be able to. She couldn't just walk away from him and go to her room and leave him by himself. So she didn't. 

Instead when they entered the house silently, she merely walked to the couch and sat down. He stayed standing and simply looked at her, at a loss for words. There was too much to say and Doug was having trouble swimming through it all. His mind was a mass of thoughts and he couldn't separate them to form any words. The only thing he could think was how much he wanted to help her right now. He could see she needed him, but he didn't know what to do. 

Carol bent forward, encasing her stomach between her body, her legs, and her arms so that it was completely hidden from Doug's view. She closed her eyes, struggling to fight the tears that were clawing there way up her throat. But they couldn't be pushed away. 

Doug watched as a single tear slid from Carol's eye. She quickly wiped it away, but soon another tear followed. She bent her neck, trying to hide her face from him, but he could see the tears dripping onto her pants. 

"I'm sorry." She whispered, as he itched to put his arms around her. "I can't...seem to help...it." She tried to wipe them away once more. "I just...There's so much going on." She finished and fell silent. The tears continued to stream down her face. Her breath hitched and sounded like something between a sigh and a hiccup. She closed her eyes again. 

Within seconds Doug went to her and sat beside her. He couldn't resist the urge to hold her any longer. She was crying and it was tearing him apart inside. He couldn't stand seeing her cry, especially over this, over him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him. She immediately wrapped her arms around his waist and held tightly. She buried her face in his shoulder and began to sob harder, in relief. At least he was touching her. Doug could feel the soft mound of their children pressed against his own abdomen and he marveled in it. 

She kept a tight grip on him, scared that if she let go he would leave her. She tried not to hold on so tightly, but the mere thought of him being out of her reach scared her. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She murmured into his shoulder through her sobs. 

"Shh, it's okay." He murmured. He kept one hand on the back of her head, his fingers tangled in her hair, and the other hand rubbed her back. 

"I can't..stop." She sobbed. 

"I know, I know. Just try and calm down." He whispered reassuringly. "I won't go anywhere." He said, trying to calm her. She just sobbed harder. 

"Oh, Doug." 

"Cry all you need, I'm here." He said. She continued sobbing, needing to get all of it out. Having him there in her arms was somewhat calming her, but on another level, it was making her more emotional. She stayed in his arms for five more minutes until her sobs were reduced to hiccups. She made no move to leave his embrace though, scared of what would happen when they let go. Finally after a few more minutes, Doug gently pulled her away, figuring they needed to get to the issue at hand. 

"Why didn't you tell me about the twins?" He asked. 

"I just wanted to get through everything else first. I was going to tell you." She said. 

"I know." He replied quietly and brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. 

"I'm sorry." She whispered. He smiled sadly. 

"It's not all your fault." He replied. "So, I'm sorry too." She shook her head. 

"I should have told you about the abortion a long time ago. I should have told you about being pregnant months ago. I should have told you about the twins two days ago." She replied. 

"Yeah, well, like you said, it doesn't matter now. Because now I know." He said. She sighed. 

"But I've ruined everything. Our relationship, my life, our children's lives." 

"Who says?" He asked. She sighed. "I have. Our relationship is over. My life...has done a total change. And now our children have to have two different homes and two different babysitters and everything else. I should have done something to change that!" Carol exclaimed. "But instead I let everything fall apart." 

"Why can't you put it back together? Why do you have to give up?" He asked. 

"I can't just put it back together. That takes both of us, Doug. And I sure as hell can't change your mind!" She exclaimed. 

"Maybe you already have." He murmured. She simply stared at him, shocked. He paused. "I love you, Carol. I always have and I always will. Even if we lived miles apart and never saw each other, I'd always love you." He rubbed his thumb gently under her eye. "I know I've let this get way out of hand. You hurt me, but it shouldn't have taken me this long to get over it. You apologized numerous times and I know you wish you could take what you did back. So I just have to grow up and accept it and stop being the same selfish self-centered bastard I've always been, like you once told me." He said. She lowered her head and dropped her gaze away from his. He drew her head back up with a finger under her chin. "So, I've decided to stop being that selfish self-centered bastard and give you what you need, what I need to give you." 

"What's that?" She whispered after a short pause. 

"My life. My love. Our future." He whispered. Tears filled her eyes once more as a brilliant smile lit up her face. She wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed. He smiled and pulled her back so he could kiss her. As he did, they moaned slightly in unison, having missed the feel of the other's mouth on their own. "I've missed you." He murmured against her lips. She smiled and continued kissing him, their eyes now open and focused on each other. Finally he pulled back. "Stand up." He murmured. 

"What?" She asked, surprised. 

"Stand up." He murmured. She gave him a weird look, but got to her feet beside the couch. Then she realized what he was doing as he lifted her shirt. She took hold of it and held it beneath her breasts as he examined her growing tummy in awe. "Wow." He murmured. Tears glistened in her eyes still. "It's so amazing." He said and leaned his cheek against her stomach. She ran one hand over his hair and felt all the happiness in the world shine upon her. He pressed his warm lips to her stomach and paused there for a minute, before getting back to his feet. He picked her up off the ground and held her tightly against him. 

"I love you." He said. She smiled and kissed his neck gently. 

"You don't know how long I've waited to hear that." She replied softly. "I love you, too." 

|-----oo-----| 

Years later Doug stood at his back door, looking out at the back yard of the house he and Carol had purchased months ago. He watched his wife pushing his three-year-old twin daughters, Tess and Kate on the swing. Then he pushed the screen door open and Carol turned to look at him. She sent him a dazzling smile and he smiled back before his eyes traveled down to rest on her pregnant stomach. They were expecting twins in just two months. Doug walked off the porch and made his way to his family, glad he had made that decision four years ago. 

|-----oo-----| 


End file.
